A Strong Woman

I can’t provide a source, as I copied this from a friend’s Facebook, but it bears reading…
10 Reasons Why Most Men Can’t Handle A Strong Woman
What exactly makes a strong woman? Her struggles, sacrifices, and selflessness. A strong woman has endured pain, overcome heart-wrenching experiences, and has allowed herself to be led by forgiveness. A strong woman has swam in deep and treacherous waters and held her breath as much as possible. This type of woman is self-sufficient, independent, loving, and has no fears of showing her vulnerability. The strong woman knows that one moment you are the teacher, and the next you might be the student. So, how does a woman like this keep a man?
HERE ARE 10 REASONS WHY MOST MEN CAN’T HANDLE A STRONG WOMAN:

1. A STRONG WOMAN DOESN’T NEED A MAN TO FIGHT FOR HER.

A man needs to feel wanted. He needs to know that he is battling for the eternal love and admiration of his woman. A strong woman will show you that she loves her man, but she’s also independent and can manage on her own. The strong woman will fight for both of you, but she doesn’t need a man to fight her battles. If they have a problem, they deal with it. They don’t sit and wait, as victims, for a man to find the solution. Some men can’t handle this strength. If you choose to remain with this type of woman, be willing to walk beside her, not in front of her while pulling her to where you think she should be.
2. A STRONG WOMAN KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS.

Strong women know what they want, how to attain it, and remember all that they had to endure to get whatever they have. A woman like this knows what she wants. If she likes a man, she will go after him. She will not wait for the man to make the first move. Strong women have tenacious personalities that can be extremely intimidating for some men. They aren’t submissive. They love wholeheartedly and also can continue exploring the world, with a man or not. It takes a self-confident man to allow this type of personality to take charge.
3. A STRONG WOMAN WILL REQUIRE HONESTY AND VULNERABILITY.

Men have a hard time opening up to difficult questions. Strong women dive right into the depth of hurt, traumas, and life-changing experiences. They require a man who can be honest and vulnerable, because they have endured so much in their lives. They need to know that their mate can be available to navigate the ocean of uncertainties and travel the edges of madness. Strong women don’t fear the past. They excavate and search for those things that make us human. The strong woman will always find a strong man to stand tall with her in the face of diversity. Men tend to avoid vulnerability because they feel weak.
4. A STRONG WOMAN IS NOT INTIMIDATED BY INTIMACY.

The strong woman will challenge a man in the most intimate of ways. She will require intimacy in all forms, from conversation to making love. She will hold nothing back. Because a strong woman is comfortable with her femininity, she will expect her man to also be open to all aspects of intimacy. She requires passion, desire and feel like she’s the one.
5. A STRONG WOMAN CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH LIES.

Strong women are honest and expect complete trust in a relationship. She can sense lies in an instant, so don’t try to sugarcoat a white lie. Don’t give her bogus explanations. She has the ability to be a human lie detector. Being in a relationship with a strong woman requires that there is no holding back. She will never tolerate a sense of falseness and selfishness. If you can’t be with her completely, she will have no problem discarding you.
6. A STRONG WOMAN REQUIRES INTEGRITY AND CONSISTENCY.

Women who have inner strength cannot tolerate irregularity or indecisive personalities. They want to know that the man they love has integrity, respect, and is a man of his word. If they start to feel that their man is pulling away, they will react accordingly and have no problem letting him go if they feel they are being played. They want to feel like they are loved unconditionally. If they feel disrespected, they will have no issues setting that on track. The worst thing you can do to a strong woman is make her feel weak.
7. A STRONG WOMAN IS INTENSE.

A strong woman has endured extraordinary challenges and obstacles in her life. She has had to be extremely powerful. She knows she can endure anything else in her path, so this kind of intensity is often times difficult for a man to understand. It’s intimidating because of all the emotions and thoughts that come with this type of persona. She is willing to share her scars, and expects you to do the same. There are no secrets in her world.
8. A STRONG WOMAN WILL NOT WAIT FOR YOU.

This type of woman will follow you to the depth of hell if she knows you are committed to her. However, the moment you start to pull back, she will let you go. She will not wait for a man to decide if he wants her or someone better. Strong women don’t play little girly games. You are either in, or you are out. They will get hurt, lick their own wounds, and get back up ready to conquer whatever is next.
9. A STRONG WOMAN WILL LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.

The love from a strong woman is faithful. Just like mothers with their children, the strong woman will nurture and love her man fiercely. When she feels that love in return, she will do anything she can to make him feel loved. She will support him, help him, and fight for him to get what he deserves. Some men can’t handle this kind of unconditional love. They get frightened by the intensity and depth of giving. Many times it is in this stage that men flee from a strong woman. And, just as deeply as she loved you, she will also let you go. She knows her worth.
10. A STRONG WOMAN WILL SHOW YOU WHO YOU ARE.

It’s hard to accept the things we don’t like about ourselves when someone points them out. But, a strong woman will mirror those parts in her man that need addressing. She will be there to help show you how amazing and powerful you are. She will stand by you and show you worth, acceptance, and confidence. Some men cannot handle the emotional chaos that comes up with this projection. Strong woman will find strong men. The weak ones won’t make it past the first few dates.
They don’t know what to do with the honesty, strength, intelligence and independence. A strong man, most likely, was raised by a strong woman and will either deal with the dark night of the soul or leave. Strong women have no time to play games. So, if you can handle the intensity, love, honesty, and conversations, you might just be that strong man who can complement this type of woman.

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My View on “God”

I will not claim to be Hindu, but this description I’ve found is the closest thing to what I believe “God” is than anything else thus far…I copied it from a group I belong to on Facebook.

*****

Hindu beliefs are very confusing to a lot of people who are not familiar with the culture and philosophies of India. This is how Alan Watts explains the Hindu view of God and the universe to children.

By Alan Watts
     When children ask me those fundamental metaphysical questions which come so readily to their minds —  “Where did the world come from?” “Why did God make the world?” “Where was I before I was born?” “Where do people go when they die?”  — again and again I have found that they seem to be satisfied with a simple and very ancient story, which goes something like this:

      “There was never a time when the world began, because it goes round and round like a circle, and there is no place on a circle where it begins. Look at my watch, which tells the time; it goes round, and so the world repeats itself again and again. But just as the hour-hand of the watch goes up to twelve and down to six, so, too, there is day and night, waking and sleeping, living and dying, summer and winter. You can’t have any one of these without the other, because you wouldn’t be able to know what black is without white, or white unless side-by-side with black.
      “In the same way, there are times when the world is, and times when it isn’t, for if the world went on and on without rest for ever and ever, it would get horribly tired of itself. It comes and it goes. Now you see it; now you don’t. So because it doesn’t get tired of itself, it always comes back again after it disappears. It’s like your breath: it goes in and out, in and out, and if you try to hold it in all the time you feel terrible. It’s also like the game of hide-and-seek, because it’s always fun to find new ways of hiding, and to seek for someone who doesn’t always hide in the same place.

      “God also likes to play hide-and-seek, but because there is nothing outside of God, he has no one but himself to play with. But he gets over this difficulty by pretending that he is not himself. This is his way of hiding from himself. He pretends that he is you and I and all the people in the world, all the animals, all the plants, all the rocks, and all the stars. In this way he has strange and wonderful adventures, some of which are terrible and frightening. But these are just like bad dreams, for when he wakes up they will disappear.

      “Now when God plays hide and pretends that he is you and I, he does it so well that it takes him a long time to remember where and how he hid himself. But that’s the whole fun of it — just what he wanted to do. He doesn’t want to find himself too quickly, for that would spoil the game. That is why it is so difficult for you and me to find out that we are God in disguise, pretending not to be himself. But when the game has gone on long enough, all of us will wake up, stop pretending, and remember that we are all one single Self — the God who is all that there is and who lives for ever and ever.

      “Of course you must remember that God isn’t shaped like a person. People have skins and there is always something outside our skins. If there weren’t, we wouldn’t know the difference between what is inside and outside our bodies. But God has no skin and no shape because there isn’t any outside to him. The inside and outside of God are the same. And though I have been talking about God as ‘he’ and not ‘she,’ God isn’t a man or a woman. I didn’t say ‘it’ because we usually say ‘it’ for things that aren’t alive.

      “God is the Self of the world, but you can’t see God for the same reason that, without a mirror, you can’t see your own eyes, and you certainly can’t bite your own teeth or look inside your head. Your self is that cleverly hidden because it is God hiding.

      “You may ask why God sometimes hides in the form of horrible people, or pretends to be people who suffer great disease and pain. Remember, first, that he isn’t really doing this to anyone but himself. Remember, too, that in almost all the stories you enjoy there have to be bad people as well as good people, for the thrill of the tale is to find out how the good people will get the better of the bad. It’s the same as when we play cards. At the beginning of the game we shuffle them all into a mess, which is like the bad things in the world, but the point of the game is to put the mess into good order, and the one who does it best is the winner. Then we shuffle the cards once more and play again, and so it goes with the world.”

The Two of You

I don’t like who you are when you don’t have your crutch.

You barely acknowledge my presence. It’s the cold-shoulder like I don’t exist any more, unless I insert myself into the center of your blinders.

You’re monumentally defensive about literally every single thing. It doesn’t matter what I try to talk about, you automatically take it personally and then go on the defensive.

You argue with everyone because you have an incurable incessant need to be right about any and every topic at hand.

The attitude you have in your voice is a culmination of these things. It’s fucking depressing.

And you know what? You accept this way of being. You CHOOSE to proliferate it. You embrace this shitty side of yourself and give an air of, “If you don’t fucking like this side of me, then oh fucking well. Deal with it.”

I don’t just dislike it…I HATE it. Every time you run out, you get closer and closer to HIS level. And guess what? I divorced his ass because of it.

You say you love me and yet you’re fucking blind. You “do” things for me and expect me to just KNOW that you love me. I don’t fucking WORK like that…how many times must I pound this into your thick skull before I say what you do, “Fuck it.” And give up?!

Thanks for the box your mom suggested you make for me.

Thank you for taking care of me and my son while I recover from surgery.

Thank you for taking time out of your DAY OFF to impatiently hurry me along to plant fucking flowers for me.

Thanks for having an intelligent conversation with me so we can work through our problems.

Thank you for noticing that I’m shrinking into myself and sinking down to the deep, dark valleys of depression and putting a hand out to help stop the descent.

Thanks for lying when I asked you if something was wrong, and then turn around and tell me you admitted to having a bad attitude when you fucking didn’t admit to shit.

I deserve better than this…and yet, here I fucking am…recycling the same fucking shit over and over like a clinically insane moron.

It’s okay, she won’t leave…she can’t leave. I’ll just be an asshole and then “make up” for it when I have my shit again. I can’t function as a decent human being without it, so why fucking try?

You Are Clueless

You have no idea, do you?

I am so madly, deeply, and passionately in love with you…and you are clueless. I live to see you smile at me with those beautiful blue eyes and the gentle creases at the corners of your sweet, seductive lips.

I want the best for you, do you know that? I used to strive every day to make your life better…but if you haven’t noticed, the things I loved to do for you before? They are slowly becoming the things I despise having to do for you because they aren’t appreciated…they’re expected.

And now I’m destitute.

I took a fast, I became physically weak and needed your help. You stepped up. You were gentle, loving, caring…all the things I dreamed you’d be some day.

And then it ended. I broke my fast because I couldn’t go any longer. You supported me. But guess what I learned? I learned how peaceful it was to be free from the darkness that envelopes me every day, your sweetness during my most weak physically, did that for me. However, I ALSO learned that you don’t truly love me for who I am, you guard yourself against who I really am. You put walls up against the real me because…well, I suppose because I’m not the type of person you want. I’m too open, too raw, too intense.

Realizing this fact has slammed me down. And I’ve become bitter because of it.

I’ve realized that my physical weakness brought out the best of you. So where does that leave me the rest of the time…when I’m doing well physically and I sink back into emotional/mental weakness? Blocked. Shut out. The sweet, gentle, caring side of you retreats back into the vault, slamming the door as you go.

I’m not keen on being weak. I’m a very strong-willed woman, but instead of feeding my heart, you’ve greatly reduced the flames of love I have for you. I think I finally realize what you want now…and that is a gentle, simple-minded, completely submissive woman that will cook AND clean for you, warm your bed, and cater to your every whim…staying out of your way the rest of the time. Someone who shines bright with the mere fact that you exist, someone that worships the ground you walk on.

I am not that woman. I cannot and will not EVER be that woman. I love fiercely, with abandon and passion. I feed on intelligence, romance, genuine loving humor. I thrive on deep conversations and tenderness.

All the work and effort I’ve gone through to this point…I feel like it’s been for nothing. I love you so much that it kills me inside to even think about us being apart…again…but I’m done. You have no idea how to treat me, and honestly, I don’t think you have the desire to. I think you just want that other woman, so you don’t have to do anything more than exist…cuz the rest of it is too much work.

Do you feel this is true? Would you even tell me if it was? Or would you just keep quiet, like you always do, and ignore it all until the next storm? I would love for you to realize how you’re killing me. I die inside just a little more each and every day. You’re not feeding my heart enough to keep it full. For every little tidbit you give me, if that raises the bar in my heart by 1 space, it falls 3 spaces every day just by default. Maybe you just don’t have what it takes to keep me happy, no matter what my intuition says. No matter how much I thought, hoped, and dreamed you did. No matter how much faith I put into it.

And maybe this is all my fault. Maybe the mental/emotional anguish I go through is just too much for someone who isn’t willing to work hard at a relationship. Maybe I’ve invested too much of myself and I’ve sentenced my self to a slow and torturous death by my own hands…kind of like being a self-harming cutter. And I cut myself this way so I’ll at least feel SOMETHING.

And by the way, your mother is the most sarcastic, cynical, verbally scathing person I’ve ever met – especially towards Hank. She never seems to be able to talk to him any other way, and it’s horrendous and I hate it. I reeeeally wish I could find a way to block her shit completely, so I could see if HER shit is why I’ve become this way.

Although at this point, I don’t think it would even matter. You’re here to stay. You want to be on the farm and around all this. I don’t.

Time is precious…

At what point in time does a person decide to give up? When does one finalize that they are tired of working so hard at something and they’re just DONE?

I’ve read quite a variety of relationship advice articles and whatnot…and I can say that they are NOT all the same! There are different themes everywhere…and for every single advice given, there’s an opposite advice.

For instance, the idea that if a man is “distant” – the woman needs to let him have his space, to her own detriment. Instead of dumping him and finding someone more suited, she’s supposed to go do more things for herself and spend time with friends…? I instantly balk at that. I’m independent and I like to think I’d NEVER let a man be that way with me…but guess what?! I’m in that damn situation. Right. Now.

I need attention. It’s a part of who I am. I read self help that says I need to love myself and make my own happiness, because nobody else can do this for me. Well fuck…I sure get happy when my boyfriend touches my face, looks lovingly in my eyes and kisses me…what’s that supposed to be then? Icing on the cake?

There are articles about empowering myself, and then there are articles about being humble.

I’m told never to give up, flip the coin and I’m told that giving up is perfectly OK.

I’m supposed to work really hard for the things that I want, but NOT to expect anything. I’m supposed to give freely with all my heart, and NOT expect anything in return.

Be kind and loving, but not too much because you’ll get walked on.

Embrace a person for everything they are…to what end? When does embracing what/who/etc they are become enabling them? Where is the line that says they need to stop and I am allowed to be selfish and get what I want? Who decides that enough is enough and it’s time to give up and move on?!

Give. Give. Give. This is all I do. I’ve given almost every single drop of myself away and for what?

Am I happy? No.

Do I expect things in return? Yes.

Why? Because I’m fucking human, that’s why. I’m a selfish, needy, independent, loving, stubborn, indecisive, lazy, kind-hearted, intelligent, go-to kind of fucking human. I have needs, wants, and desires. Guess what? A lot of them are for everyone else. I want things for my son, so I do things that make it possible. I give shit up so he has what he needs and/or wants. My boyfriend wants to live on The Farm with his mama…forever…so here I am, absolutely hating my fucking life because all I ever do is cook and sit around on the internet. When do I get the things that *I* deserve?!

Oh that’s right…I can have those any time I’m ready to embrace everything about myself and make myself happy…just make sure I’m not being a selfish bitch about it (i.e. the entirety of it is an ironic oxymoron).

Relationships…what a chore!

I’m in a relationship and fuck if I’m not tired…

Do you know how much work this is?!

It’s intense. It’s constant. I have to fight every day to keep this going. Should a relationship be THIS much work?! It makes me wonder…and oh hell, the doubts! Those have taken over completely!

I’ve read so much “love help” blogs, articles, comments, and posts that I’m even MORE confused about what to do than before!

Does he love me? 10 ways to find out.
Is he Mr. Right? 7 ways to tell.

Sooooo tired…

I guess my final verdict is this…

Am I happy today? Why or why not?

More often lately, it’s been a resounding NO. 😦

***I suppose it’s difficult to follow my blog seeing how a relationship ended, I endured a “friendship” and now I’m in a relationship again. Long story short – the boyfriend that left? Was not the narcissist. The friend that “stepped in” to take over when the boyfriend left? HE was the narcissist.
And now I’m living with the boyfriend again. Completely uprooted my entire life to move away and be back with him.

I’m now wondering why…except in my deepest of heart chambers I already know…financial gain and a hope that everything he said and did to convince me to be with him again was worth it…

Epiphanies

So many things have changed, as they often do in the course of day-to-day life.

Since my boyfriend and I broke up, another man has stepped in to take his place – at least as far as babysitting my son and taking care of the daily responsibilies of keeping my house in order.

I can NOT say that this is a change I wanted, but I CAN say that I am at least grateful for the help. There are positives AND negatives to each aspect of his being here to help me.

Positive? I don’t have to clean my house.
Negative? I’m becoming that much more “spoiled” in not doing them, so much so that when I quit my 2nd job and my son finally goes back to school…I will still be lethargic in completing the necessary daily tasks of cleaning and cooking.

Positive? I have someone I trust to care for my son while I work.
Negative? I have someone I use to care for my son when I’m NOT working because I am so overwhelmingly drained in every facet of myself. This one hits me the hardest. I love my son unconditionally, but I have not spent the time I need to with him because of this.

And unfortunately, those are only 2 that I can currently name off that have positive impacts.

Hopefully, when the 2nd job goes away and my son goes to school, I will have more time to meditate and work on becoming a skilled Empath. Eventually, I will have more stability within myself so that I can reap the energetic benefits and have more stability to organize my outside world.

We shall see…

Bittersweet…

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In every fiber of my heart, I feel the essences of the ironically bittersweet.

2 years…I dated him for 2 years, trying so hard to teach him impossible feats of growth and change, to no avail. That’s the trouble with a narcissist…they don’t believe they need to change, they’re perfect just the way they are.

Our breakup is the hardest one I’ve ever had to deal with thus far, because it was mutual. The last time we argued, we decided that our relationship was more of a struggle than not, less fun than more. We broke up and then we suffered together for a week before he left to move back in with his mother an hour and a half away. We laughed, we cried, we made love twice…more than I can say we had in the month before.

It’s been one grueling month since we called it quits, and 3 long weeks since I laid eyes on him.

I still love him. I always will. He took my heart with him. He sapped my soul dry.

And I want him back…so very deeply do I want him back…

He left his phone with me (I pay for it anyway), but he got a new one and contacted me on Facebook to reconnect. I was wary, but grew hopeful despite my brain telling me to ignore him.

Since then, we’ve slowly built up from messaging, to texting and finally talking on the phone almost nightly the last few days.

He told me 2 nights ago that he completely gave up his addiction…drowned himself in it, put all of his stuff together in the box I gave him…and just gave it away, cold turkey. He’d been free of it for 4 days. He seemed happier and more coherent.

I never asked him to quit, he did that all on his own…because, he confessed to me through a shaky voice, he was using it as a crutch to completely ignore his past and the pain he went through. He suffered a lot of agonizingly horrible events from when he was a small child until the day he met me.

And every confession and small step he makes in a positive direction?

Bittersweet…